The night of the full moon, I met one of my partner’s other sweethearts.
Two days later, my partner broke up with me over dinner because I was the only stressor in her life that she had the power to cut.
I understand why she did it. I have a rough idea of just how frayed the end of her rope was getting, and it sucks that I was making it worse rather than helping her to hold it together.
And also: Fuck.
All that stuff that Chani Nicholas said, almost a month ago, about the Mercury Retrograde that was going to be in place between January 5th and 25th? I feel like it hit me over the course of that full-moon weekend away. Misunderstandings. Assumptions. Communication troubles. Brutal honesty. Trying to avoid conflict but only making it worse.
It hit me (again) just how graceless I can be in the face of sudden changes of plan when my own fears and insecurities are already screaming the alarm.
Surviving the Worst Thing and wondering how long I’ll have to keep surviving it, here I am trying to keep room for uncertainty, for what could be (whether I like it, or don’t like it, or haven’t thought of it yet), to dig into my own Issues (again, again, always again) and make room for discovery.
This has not been an easy week. There’s been lots of deep-digging (and lots more to come). Lots of changes (my wife unexpectedly had to get new shop space, and a few people close to us lost relatives).
Nothing like forcing a situation to make things happen quickly.
Where do I go from here?
The Sunday she said she needed to take a break from dating me for a while, I did a tarot reading (hours before that conversation) that didn’t make a tonne of sense. I look at it now and… am hopeful? A little bit? The Priestess looking out at me from the depths of the unconcious. The goal-oriented King of Fire pushing to Do Something in the face of sudden change, keeping the long game in view. What looks like loneliness and loss up close is really a much-needed healing process. I’ll get what I want, all those emotional wishes coming true, but it’ll require a leap of faith and a lot of hard work to get there.
Meliad the Birch Maiden.
 Which she got! :-D She gets the keys on Monday!
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