So I’ve been dragging my heels a little on this one, partly out of embarrasment. I had originally figured that I’d be writing a 2013 version of T is for Trance, having (in theory) actually done trance work – or at least trance practice – a whole bunch by the time October rolled around.
Instead, I haven’t done much trance work (practice) at all in… er… about six months. Basically since I just about made myself sick while trying to Go Deep (or at least deeper than surface-level) at Queering Power. (Hint: Don’t do this if you suck at shielding!)
And the reason for that basically boils down to fear.
Thense the title of this post.
See… I’m scared to go into The Forest, even though I know (maybe because I know?) some of what’s in there. Like: I know – or at least surmise – that there’s a dragon-like creature in there because some big lizardy prehensile tail snaked out from between the trees and tried to yank me towards it.
But I have no idea what the dragon “is”.
I get that Internal Landscape is going to be talking in pictures ( metaphor) a much as anything else.
And I get that visiting my Internal Landscape is visiting the inside of my own head. Not the kind of dangerous that I might expect if I were to go walking outside of my own bounds, so to speak. But I’m scared to death of what I’m going to find if I go digging around in there. Like: Is there some part of my psyche that’s dark and dangerous, silver as fishscales and razor blades, and hungry enough to devour me if I let it so much as breathe?
‘Cause apparently I think that there is, and I have no idea how to deal with that if I turn out to be right.
So… basically, I don’t trust my own brain to be a safe place for me to go exploring, and I kind of suspect that part of me a gigantic psychopath who, if acknowledge (or allowed to escape? Something?) will go on some kind of a rampage and
commit mass murder hurt everybody I love. Meaning that I will hurt everbody I love.
Which is scary as shit! O.O
So what the fuck do I do about this? ‘Cause I don’t think that avoidance is really the key here, but I’d rather not land myself in some internal trouble that I can’t get myself out of again.
Suggestions? Help? Any ideas for someone doing this completely solo for how to not screw up?
 Not the sadistic part, although there is that. At least I know about that.
 I’m reminded of that button: “Sometimes I wrestle with my deamons… Sometimes we cuddle”. (Which, really, is probably a good way to handle them, yes?)
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