New Year New You 2016: Week 4 – Relax, Don’t Do It

I’m doing Miss Sugar’s New Year New You Experiment in Radical Magical Transformation (again) because I find it’s a really good way to kick my own ass into getting things done. You should try it!
 
Okay, so I’m switching the order of Week Three and Week Four because: Instructions.
Week Four says (paraphrasing):
 
Instructions: New Year’s energy, in North America, is very much hovering around setting unreasonable goals that you over-work at for 1-2 weeks and then proceed to (a) fail at spectacularly, and (b) beat yourself up over. AVOID THIS MESS by taking this week to do something nice for yourself that has nothing to do with your NYNY Goals.
 
Tarot Card: I’d like to say it’s the 9 of Water… but it’s not. I’m not sure if calling it the 8 of Air is too much, though.
 
Thoughts:
I… may or may not have succeeded on this one.
I bought myself a new tarot deck (WildWood, for those keeping track). I bought myself a copy of Fury Road. Those are lovely gifts to myself, and am enjoying both of them (although my Little Book for said new tarot deck seems to have gone AWOL…), and I’m not sure that they count since I ordered them well before Week Three and they technically arrived during Week Four but… Meh.
I went to the usual NYE party that I go to, saw a bunch of awesome people and, because it is That Kind Of Party, got to beat up some lovely human beings. That was great.
As far as “doing something nice for myself” goes… I went to that party solo. I didn’t feel guilty about leaving my tired wife at home to get some rest. In the two scenes I did (one pre-planned, one impromptu), I got to have the luxury (which really shouldn’t be a luxury, though it’s not necessarily one that you get if you’re doing the topping) of all the warm-up I wanted, and that made doing the work of topping someone else easy. It was enjoyable without all the fraught feelings of “Am I being mean enough fast enough to keep up with this person or am I just boring them to tears?” The negative self-talk that’s been super-loud since mid-December actually shut up for a couple of minutes, which was amazing.
 
Sounds like a resounding success, right?
Right.
 
Except… That goal of mine is ever on my mind. I feel angsty and guilt-ridden for watching Fury Road instead of washing dishes and canning stock. I tend to run to my tarot cards when my insecurities get the better of me (which they’ve been doing just about every three days, of late, it seems), so how is this not just feeding into some sort of Bad Pattern[1]? Topping is easy and fun because (okay, yes, because it’s specifically easy and fun and a good way for me to get fed, but also because…) it doesn’t require me to the do the scary-vulnerable work of receiving and opening up.
 
And, yeah, the whole point of this week’s prompt was to do something nice for yourself that you enjoy, but I still find myself asking: Jeebus, if I can’t accept a fucking gift, that I already know I like from myself, then how the fuck am I going to achieve this Queen Of Cups business that’s all about receptivity and trusting other people??
 
It’ll probably be fine.
I just need to shake off the Woe Is Me attitude and see where things go.
 
Okay. Onwards!
 
 
TTFN,
Meliad the Birch Maiden.
 
 
[1] Okay, that might be a bit of a stretch.

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