Daily Archives: January 12, 2016

New Year New You 2016: Week Three – Something You’ve Been Putting Off

I’m doing Miss Sugar’s New Year New You Experiment in Radical Magical Transformation (again) because I find it’s a really good way to kick my own ass into getting things done. You should try it!
Instructions: Do the thing that you’ve been avoiding. Do it now!
Tarot Card: 8 of Major Arcana (Courage in my Osho Zen deck, The Stag in my WildWood. I’m going with the former at the moment, mind you).
So… Basically my entire goal boils down to something I’ve been avoiding. Like, if I try to make “be more receptive” into something that I can also be proactive about, it mostly translates as: (a) be more vulnerable, and (b) be more trusting.
It feels like mostly what I’m asking myself to do, when it comes to “be more vulnerable, be more trusting”, is to step out onto the ice, stand in front of the net, and let ask people (in general, or in specific) to take pot-shots at me with no body armor (kind of like in that Canadian Heritage Moment, remember?) while telling myself to trust that those people (in general, or in specific) aren’t going to hit me with the puck even though they all appear to be aiming at my teeth.
It’s the WildWood image of the Queen of Cups as Salmon, flinging herself up the waterfalls, knowing that she’s more likely to die than to get the thing that she can’t. stop. wanting.
Cold-calling potential modeling clients in Toronto is nothing compared to cold-calling my girlfriend and asking her to want my company.
That – regardless of how unfounded it may be – feels like Russian Roulette.

But I did it.
…And, naturally, my internal landscape was all screaming-crying-perfect-storm for 48 hours, until she said “yes” and I booked my tickets, and there was totally a (‘nother thing I tend to put off, because I want to make sure I have All The Answers before I start bringing things up… more on that in a second) Whole Conversation about the length of the visit, and our various expectations, and Stuff.
So… The other Thing I Put Off is handing out information. Which, I realize, is not the brightest way to go about things. For reasons that Freud would surely say had something to do with My Mother, I tend to prefer to just present people with “This is what can happen. Everything’s prepared, all I need is your signature and it’s a go” rather than “I want to do X, but have no idea whether I’ll succeed or not, because I’m not incharge of all the components, but am still playing merry hell with your schedule and/or expectations in order to possibly give it a try”.
It’s silly (or not? But probably silly), and it leads to more problems than it solves, these days, if only because – in situations like this one, where I’m spending a few days visiting my GF, out of town, while also trying to secure another stream of modeling income – saying “Hey, can I visit you in your microscopic apartment for a week, even if I don’t have any work booked” is actually a lot different from saying “Hey, can I visit you in your microscopic apartment for a week, even if I don’t have any work booked YET, but intend to shop myself around before I get into town”… and people can only work with the information they have.
Sadly, a significant portion of the “information” that I have is made up of lies that my Jerk Brain tells me.
The suite of Cups, I’m learning, is one of compassion and forgiveness.
As in: Don’t be so mean to yourself, Meliad.
As in: Maybe stop putting cruel words into other people’s mouths and pay attention to what they’re really saying.
As in: If you want to become a Queen of Cups, you have to walk the Knight of Cups‘ path, first.
Every message, text, email: Breathe in, breathe out. Read it again. Read just the words this time. Breathe in, breathe out.
Every silence: Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe through the panic of no-one is every going to hire me of unwantable, unvalueable of nobody really loves me. Breathe through the litany of every worst thing.
Stop the whirlwind before it’s too much. Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in.