I spent the Full Moon in Toronto, hot-tubbing, visiting the textiles floor of the ROM, doing modeling work, and spending time with my (alas) ex-partner, C (formerlly The Archivist). My heart is still heavy over that last bit, but we were able to spend time together and be caring and affectionate and kind, and that goes a long way to making this feel… if not good, at least okay. Manageable. Erica, over at NWEdible has a post (about permaculture, but it still applies) wherein she says:
It’s like, “yeah, I don’t have to stick with something that isn’t working. I can just change it. And that’s ok.”
And it’s hitting me right in the Feelings because… eugh. So much of me says “NO! It’s NOT okay! You have to at least try to fix it!”
A friend of mine came over last night for wine plus chips-and-salsa (she is, in fact, the same friend who helped me make said salsa, back at the end of August) plus Commiseration, and she said – as my lovely wife has also pointed out, on occasion – that Yes, relationships take maintenance. But they shouldn’t feel like Work.
…And they shouldn’t.
And I’m still sad about this. Sometimes I wonder if I’m mourning the Capital-F Failure that I’m perceving here as much as I’m mourning the change in how we define our relationship, and the accompanying changes in behaviour (no kissing on the mouth, no hope for being lovers, far less frequent conversations) that come with it. In another week, it’l be Leaf Moon, and what a difference (what a painful difference, sometimes) a year can make. I feel like my job right now (and for EVAR) is going to be Learning to Navigate Uncertainty rather than trying to control everything and make everything Perfect.
So here we are. Spring has (more or less) sprung. The crocuses are poking through the ground – though not blooming yet – and, while the temperature’s supposed to drop significantly over the weekend, it feels like we’ve crossed the border and, as the days get steadily longer than the nights (hurrah!), are moving into Shoots Time. I don’t know what’s coming up yet (See what I did that?), but I find myself wanting some stability.
I’ve been hustling for years now and, while I like that way of life – the freedom it gives me to schedule weekends (or weekdays) away, the time to focus on all the things that matter, rather than just the “income keeps the roof overhead” thing – I keep looking at my finances and going “Y’know, 20 hours a week at $20/hr would still land me an extra $500/month that I could put into my savings account. A few years of that, and I’d have my whole Nest Egg back where I want it to be. We could buy a house. Plant some asparagus and a fruit tree. Have somewhere to live when we get old…”
…And it would still let me take modeling work, have that other 20 hours a week to spend making bread, darning socks, spinning yarn, and tending the garden.
What can I plant this growing season that can be a long-term investment? That I can think of as “bearing fruit” five years from now rather than expecting things to produce-produce-produce in six short months? If I were to do magic to bring that kind of slow-growth stability into my life, what would it look like? (Honestly, it would probably be another honey-pot, since those seem to work well for me, but there might be other ways to go about it).
MOTION: Walking every day,which is great. Paying attention to how my hips/knees/back are doing, and aware that being on my feet for 2+ hours means I pay for it for the next 36-48 hours. Also aware that, now that the snow is (hopefully) gone, I can throw on my old walking boots and take myself out to some of the monthly club dances (like tomorrow night, and the 23rd of this month) now that I don’t have to dress with such a careful eye to staying warm on the way to and from the club. May or may not use some of the “spare” (for a given value of “spare”) cash theoretically accumulating this month due to (a) contract extension, and (b) it being Eat From the Larder Month and spending it on occasional trips to the neighbourhood pool/hot-tub/steam-room because that stuff just feels good.
ATTENTION: Trying to get outon dates with my lovely wife, actively paying attention to each other and being romantic together. Also paying attention to where and how my anxiety shows up, and how I react to it + trying to get a read on what my less obvious “Act Two” tactics are turning out to be. Got my eye on another Relationship Book (I love you, but I’m not in love with you) that might be a good resource for building my own poly/kinky/queer Relationship Guide.
GRATITUDE: White crucuses and blue scilla blooming in Toronto front gardens last Sunday. Daylilies (and other bulby things) pushing through the dirt in my own front yard. My work-days going back to only 10am-2pm from the longer hours I’d been working through most of March. Friends who take awesome care of me. A wife who keeps telling me I’m beautiful. An ex who can still be my family. A larder full to the ridiculous with food enough to share. Hope.
INSPIRATION: My amazing, creative friend who has landed herself a literary agent and is making brilliant things happen with her gay-as-fuck YA novel.
CREATION: My second shrug is officially a work-in-progress now that I’ve got the first sleeve done, but the next few weeks are going to be heavy on the creative-in-the-kitchen front as I work through as many of my 2015 preserves as possible. Wish me luck!