Under different circumstances, I would have called this Leaf Moon. I may yet call it that, given that this time next week, it’s supposed to be almost 20C (!!) and sunny, and that should bring the leaves out like nothing else will. But we’ve also got snow on the ground right now, and more on the way. The winter that wouldn’t start is holding on with its fingernails for a little longer yet, in spite of the tulips and crocuses poking out of the ground, and it’s (apparently) resulting in a pretty great year for maple syrup, so… plan your larders accordingly. 😉
I have to admit, I’m not feeling very magically energized right now. Glamour is hard. The weekend I spent in Toronto during the last full moon? I felt pretty – shiny, crowned, you name it – for almost the entire weekend (miss Sugar has a post, right now, about how glamour can open the door to what you can become, if you allow yourself the chance to consider it, and it’s giving me some food for thought in light of that weekend). Part of that was because I was there to work, and embodying Feminine Wiles, being the Vamp, the Untouchable Muse, is a major part of the job description… no surprise that it carried over into the rest of my stay. Hell, I was getting Attention from strangers who didn’t ping my “Ew, Gross” buttons while out hunting for take-out after a friend cancelled on me. 😉 I had to be doing something right.
…But now I’m back in my home-base, and all I want to do is sleep. Maybe it’s the resurgence of snow and ice that’s got me down, but it’s been hard to feel un-frumpy, to feel like I’m doing Glamour well, rather than getting it all backwards and presenting my Worst Self to the world, even when I’m decked out in my Femme Power Colour and have washed both my hair and my sheets in recent history. I want to travel again, and I’m suspicious of my motivation – is it just because I want strangers to think I’m pretty? Is it because I want to get away from my messy house and unwashed dishes?
My question from last full moon is still sitting in my head, unanswered:
What can I plant this growing season that can be a long-term investment? That I can think of as “bearing fruit” five years from now rather than expecting things to produce-produce-produce in six short months?
A lot of the possible answers boil down to “better personal security” in both the emotional and the material sense of the word. Do magic (and leg-work) to find a permenant part-time office job I can walk to. Pour energy into my Queen of Cups project and (re)learn how to be fully connected to my whole body without having to do and hour and a half of vocal warm-ups in order to get there. Research (in the sense of books, but also int he sense of “field work”) for the kind of how-to memoire-manuals that you want to be writing after you’ve been doing polyamourous O/p for over a decade. Pour energy into (re-)building & strengthening your (changed) relationship with your ex so that you can keep being family, but don’t force the healing process any more than you’d force the healing of a broken bone.
Maybe it’s the (theoretically impending) Promise of Spring, or maybe it’s because a couple of friends of mine are getting kicked in the teeth by their Saturn Returns right now, but I’m thinking about my own Returns and which cycles are coming round again.
Having done some quick google-searching, it turns out I’m going through a Jupiter Return this year (every 12 years – unlike the Saturn Returns, they happen relatively frequently).
Apparently, this means that I’m supposed to pay attention to Abundance (well, that’s a big part of my Queen of Cups project, so…), pleasure, and expansion, and to learn how to give and receive without guilt or expectations which, honestly, is making me totally twitchy right now for, uh… Reasons. Moving on… And, in theory, I’m going to get an eye-full of both where I’m at my most generous (because I don’t live in Scarcity Brain in that area), and where I need to take a leap of faith in order to improve my life in areas where I’m maybe not so trusting. Well… See above re: Twitchy.
Apparently I picked the right year to do this Project?
Bully for me.
MOTION: Currently trying not to slip on the (still-icy/slushy) sidewalks, and it’s…not great. I’m hoping that the warmer weather will give me incentive to get out and about Just Because, since this business of Hunkering Down at Home is starting to wear thin. BUT: Dance party coming up with the full moon, and I’m looking forward to it.
ATTENTION: Based on the opening and closing pieces from this year’s Queering Power, I’ve started Paying Attention to where I need to slow things down in order to experience them fully. One of the ways that I numb myself (in the “numbing vulnerability” sense of the word) is by rushing through things rather than experiencing them.
GRATITUDE: Thankful for friends who keep an eye on me, for a heart that can mend, for a wife who wants to listen to me read to her so we can share books together, for people with rooms in my heart who know they can call me if they need back-up, and whom I know I can call for the same. Also thankful for the possibility of Actual Warm Weather, with trees leafing out and tulips pushing towards blooming, in the near future, ZOMG!
INSPIRATION: Ha. Heartbreak. I’m starting to get some half-way decent poetry out of this break-up. Silver linings are a thing. Some of the time. 😉
CREATION: See above, re: poetry. Looking forward to digging another garden bed, too, but that’s still a few weeks off. I’ll keep you posted. 😉