So… People – like alive-human people and non-human/non-corporial people, have been looking out for me.
I’m saying “me” rather than “us” because my lovely wife’s Big Client is still a bit up in the air with setbacks and deliveries that aren’t delivered yet, and we will basically have two weeks or less to make 600 units all by hand (I fear I will need wrist braces by January 1st as a result of this, send halp), provided all the components arrive by Saturday. Which is… not guaranteed. :-\ Me, on the other hand? I went from having three bookings in December to having a couple of weeks (cumulatively, not all in one go) of work. Hallelujah! People have been feeding me – bringing little boxes of hors d’oeuvres to the house, or calling me up to let me know about the restaurant nearby who is giving away boxes of frozen smoked-chicken bones for stock-making, or dropping off a bottle of wine “for you and the missus” or a giant plate of free lunch + dessert at the desk where I’m temping for the day – all week. It’s been a lovely reminder of “You’re taken care of”. (Thanks, Everybody).
There is a crow who has started hanging out a little more directly in our back yard (compost offerings – because I actually did get off my ass and build a compost heap a week or two ago – for the win, basically). We are thinking of doing marinated chicken hearts on skewers – think balsamic vinegar, soy sauce, and a little oil – and leaving one out for the People as an offering. I suspect it will go over well.
I have sorted out how to get the kefir to do what I Want (stir well, once a day, for 3 days, then seal and let sit overnight. Voila! Well-separated kefir curds and whey). I’ve been draining off the whey and using it to make cakes and pancakes and similar, and have been straining the curds through a plastic strainer and using it in place of chevre (it’s a little less crumbly / more spreadable than chevre, but that’s a feature, not a bug, from my perspective). I’ve stirred it into borscht (my poor wife – she can smell the ferment, but the taste is all “milk gone off” to her palate) and will be blending a bunch with some salt, rosemary, and oregano, to offer as “cheese spread” at our Winter Solstice shindig this year. The sour kraut is still waaaay (ha! “whey”) more salty than sour, but the sunchoke/as’kebwan’ pickles… seem to be doing… something appropriate (we’ll try them again in a week).
I said, in my previous Lunar Cycles post, that my goals for this cycle included:
Be patient with myself, but don’t stop making progress;
Practice being kind to myself, while recognizing that “being kind” is a very different thing from “being an enabler” (Be My Own Mommy, as I once said to a friend who needed a fresh set of eyes on a tarot spread she’d done for herself);
Do the things that make me happy: knit/weave/sew, cook/preserve/ferment/bake, keep writing poetry, take baths and read novels and light my altars on the regular, spend time with the people I care about… You know, all the good stuff.
…And, while I’ve managed to make myself feed myself well – lentil soup is kind of a life-saver for that. It takes 20 minutes, and it’s Real Food TM, and comfort food on top of that – it occurred to me, this morning, that I am maybe not being all that kind to myself. All that horoscope stuff, from a couple of weeks back, about reaching out for support when I need it was kind of brought home today.
I’d asked a friend if she was okay listening to me talk (again) about stuff that’s eating my brain (again) and whether or not she might want a break from that, and I didn’t hear from her for a couple of days, and I was all set to send an apology note saying Never Mind, basically, and she phoned me and told me that I can always talk to her about anything, and that she loves me a whole bunch, and seriously… I was sitting on my couch, just about in tears, because I’d thought I’d been asking too much and I hadn’t been at all. O.O It brought me right back to all that stuff I said about “notions of whether or not I ‘deserve’ help/kindness/rest/pleasure/care in the first place”.
It’s mind-boggling, when I actually think about it, how much my own version of “self care” looks more like the kind of “tough love” that’s enforced with a hammer.
I have a weird relationship to my own desire. This is something I should probably expand upon in a post on Syrens (I’ll write it, eventually), but the short version is that, while on some level I do understand that it’s okay to want things, to want people, to say what I want, etc, etc, there’s a significant part of my brain – one that has easy access to the proverbial car keys, so to speak – that is very, VERY convinced that none of that is okay at all and… I’m not sure what to do about that. Especially when so much of what I try to do about that falls the fuck apart when it bumps up against someone else’s triggers or traumas (we are all the walking wounded on this bus, basically. By and large, I think that’s a feature, because we’re actually willing to talk about that stuff, but, holy moly, can we ever hurt each other by accident…)
My not-so-secret secrets are sending me a million “are you sure about this” messages. My heart hurts and don’t even know what the Right Thing to do actually is.
I stepped outside, just for a minute, last night to look at that big, bright full moon, the one I made promises on, 50 weeks ago, a year ago. I’m still not done all of the writing prompts and, at this point, it’s going to extend into 2017. I can live with that. It feels like there’s still a long way to go.
Motion: I have not been doing a lot of motion these days. It’s winter, and on top of that, I’m broke. Going to a dance or to the swimming pool, is… slightly more expensive than I can handle right now. $5 is slightly more than I can handle right now. I’ve been walking to temp bookings, and friend-dates, for a significant chunk of the past two weeks, and that’s been great. I haven’t had to take the bus (I will be, tomorrow), and I’ve been getting 40-60 minutes of walking time in, most days. I had a tiny dance party (to this) in my kitchen. But I have mostly been hunkering down in my bed/bath/chair and trying not to go outside if I don’t have to. That said? I am also noticing that I am getting physically stronger – more upper-body strength and more arm-strength and that, at least, is pretty great. 🙂
Attention: I have been digging through my own brain. Again. Trying to sort through some reoccurring feelings. They’re still there. I’m not sure what to do with them. They’re not surprising(and that’s kind of a piss-off), but at least the cycle of working through them is taking a couple of days,rather than a couple of week s(or a couple of months). I’m sort of hoping that this bodes well for getting to the point where, when Those Feelings come up for me, I can be like “Oh, hey, Those Feelings. I see you’re back. It’s okay that you’re back. Although I need to point out This Thing and This Other Thing. Remember those? Those are still relevant and also true. remember? Yes? Okay, great. Good talk, everybody” in… a couple of hours or, even better, couple of minutes or seconds. That would be really, really great. Getting there? I think I’m getting there.
Gratitude: All the free food I’ve been given this week. For the onions that a friend, who has too many onions, is willing to off-load into my fridge (and who also had a word with me about how Lefty People who train themselves to be aware of privilege often pull towards “It could be SO much , worse” to avoid acknowledging that the situation they – or, in this case, I – are in? Still really, legitimately sucks). For the salmon hors d’oeuvres from another friend, which will grace my Winter Solstice table. For the two friends who, separately, made sure I knew that the cafe up the street was giving away soup bones for free. For the friend who bought me a sandwich and spent an hour catching up with me. For the friend who treated me to sushi and an hour of her company, yacking about writing. For the friend who asked if I’d proof-read the magical elements of their book manuscript (long distance, this time) for realism. For the wife (of four years, next week!) who slow-danced with me to our wedding song in the living room. For the twitter conversation about “stimming” and autism coping mechanisms that made me wonder (again) about the make-up of my own brain. For the friend who told me that I deserve happiness and to love myself. For the friend who called me, early on Wednesday morning, to tell me formally that I can talk to her about anything, that she loves me, that it’s not “too much” to ask for support. (Seriously, I just about cried).
Inspiration: Well, there’s this. Also, I’ve been given Book Recommendations for YA novels, and I’m looking forard to hunting those up. 🙂 Whee! 😀
Creation: I made a really cute toy owl for my nephew! Their name is Twilight, and they are various shades of blue with pink accents! The nephew in question is going to be two in April, and will be becoming a Big Sibling in mid-February, and I was thinking that it was probably a good time to introduce a nocturnal buddy who likes to hear about dreams (and scary things, and things you don’t think you can talk about with your parents). I’m really pleased with Twilight. 😀 My wife is suggesting that I make similar stuffed toys to look like our three birds. It might happen. Probably not this year, though. 😉