Category Archives: magic

Lammas 2017 – Gonna Get My Girl Body Back (This is a Work in Progress)

You know what I’m doing for Lammas this year? I’m shaving my goddamn legs. That’s what.
My morning wasn’t great. Like: French Toast for breakfast is pretty swell, but doing it because you are SICK-SICK-SICK of fried eggs and toast, but that’s all you have? Less great. CREATIVE, maybe, but not great. Adding lemon curd definitely helped, mind you. 😉
 
Still.
 
Ms Sugar has a new post up about Lammas and creating rituals/rites/ceremonies that don’t focus on (a) adding extra heat to the kitchen, or (b) sacrificial dudes of the sun and grain. She’s using Juliet Capulet as a template here and… okay, this is a baby-girl who offed herself OVER A BOY inside of a week of turning 14. So the call be selective about Teenager Experiences is probably a wise one. >.> None the less, I get (I think) where she’s going with this.
 
So I shaved my legs. I put Wild Heart oil blend (made by a bath-stuff-supplies crafty vendor years ago, I don’t even remember who… sorry) because of the name, and because the licorice scent (anise essential oil, along with perum balsam and I don’t remember what the third bit is) of it makes me think of the anise hyssop I’ve been rubbing my fingers against, every chance I get, around town.
 
Last night, my wife, her girlfriend, and I went to Kontinuum – a sound-and-lights show set in an incomplete subway tunnel, down town. It reminded me a lot of the Rave Stuff that the CU architecture students used to do, back when that was still legal. The scafolding was for artistic purposes only (as in: will support light fixtures and speakers and screens NOT human bodies), but… Let’s just say I would LOVE the opportunity to go dancing in a club with support structures – gogo cages, fixed (pin in, so no rotation) stripper poles, barres, that kind of thing – so that me and my fucked back and knees could really get wild.
Ideally a Tea Dance (Like 2pm to 7pm) in the kind of place where the windows are all super blacked-out, so that the day-light can’t get in, possibly with a tunnel to make your way through – perhaps with beaded curtains or tactile not-exactly-obstacles – to help get people into the “we’re in a different world now” head space. Like: First we brunch then we dance (and possibly fuck-in-the-bathroom) then we sushi and cocktails, and then we fuck some more.
 
That would be great (good thing it’s Pride Month around here…)
 
So. For those of you who don’t know, the title of this post (other than the Lammas 2017 part) is also the title of an essay by Leah Lakshmi Piepzna Samarasinha (one of my favourite poets, and femme auntie extraordinaire). What does this have to do with Lammas?
Fuck all (well… wait for it…), except that I’ve been feeling gross and awful for ages, and I want to feel better!
So.
I’ve been glamour-boarding, in the name of reminding myself what I like and what I want to look like (and also to generate Ideas for this autumn’s Harvest) and it’s equal parts burlesque/pin-up, tribal fusion, JuneCleaver/JoanHolloway, leather/fetish/gothic stuff, pics of Lagertha/Valkyrie, and women with horns/feathers/claws. So… I haven’t changed.
Which is good to know.
But also: I miss having red hair.
I stopped dying it over a year ago. For… Reasons… >.>
Basically, I thought “Why am I dumping chemicals on my head if it’s not making me beautiful?” (yes, you read that right…)
And then I thought “If Laura Jane can be this beautiful, without dying her hair, and we have the same colouring… Maybe?”
…So I stopped dying it.
And now I miss it. I imagine ME, glamourous (you can define that as fascinating or powerful or sensual, because they all apply), and my hair’s the colour of old claret.
 
Ms Sugar talks about the Red Ladies. The goddess who handle sex, money, power, whoring, and sensuality. At least, my sunshine Lady certainly covers all those bases and her colour is RED (even if mine isn’t – in spite of the above “I miss having red hair” situation). And today is one of her feast days. So why the hell not, right?
Right.

New Year New You 2016: Week Eleven – Casting Out Doubt

I’m doing Miss Sugar’s New Year New You Experiment in Radical Magical Transformation (again) because I find it’s a really good way to kick my own ass into getting things done. You should try it!
 
Instructions: “[…]Use a method of your own choosing to banish the negative energy” or otherwise communicate with your own Jerk Brain to get it to give you a break.
 
Tarot Card(s): Page of Water, Queen of Earth (and, yes, my Mary-El deck arrived a few weeks ago, thense the links to images from that deck for this post). Neither of these cards explicitely have to do with Casting Out Doubt. But they’re relevant for a couple of reasons, one being that I did a two-card pull that relates to my Queen of Cups Project (and various points there-within such as my life-coaching sessions and the Plan that is to Get My Groove Back, so to speak) and I didn’t even pull these two cards, they just popped right out of the deck, like: Here’s your answer, kiddo. (This deck is proving very accurate on the jumpers front, so far, I’m just saying…).
Anyway, so there’s that. I’ll get into that a little more later, mind you. The other reason why these are relevant to the “casting out doubt” prompt is that the first one – being a Page card – is about approaching things (feeeeelings) with curiosity, rather than fear, while the second one is very much about being rooted and steady (rather than riddled with anxiety). the combination is basically a case of “Here’s something you can do instead of assuming the worst and spinning about it all the time”.
Useful? I think so.
 
ANYWAY.
 
So, as-you-know-bob, I am a BIG fan of ritual/magical baths as a form of spell-casting and Creating Change At Will. unsurprisingly, my method of casting out doubt involved (a) having a giant, scrubby shower (and, yeah, some Stuff came up during the shower, and I was just, like, “Don’t be mean to yourself. Let all that stuff just sluff off and let it go”. Which… we’ll see if that bit sticks, honestly, but I gave it a go), and (b) taking a sensual-glamourous bath after the fact to soak in (and soak up) something better to fill that vacuum left when I got rid of all the EUGH[1].
So.
The other day, I went out and gathered a whole wack of “second chakra associated” flowers and leaves. I picked bergamot petals, geranium blossoms, rose petals, rose leaves, and motherwort[2] tops (mostly leaves). All sorts of pinks and reds. I wound up explaining to a newly-arrived-home couple just what, exactly, they had growing under their tree (Motherwort – see footnote[2]). They’d asked if they had “something special”, since I was obviously investigating the weedy patch they’d (woohoo) missed with the mower.
 
I wound up waiting a solid 48 hours or more before I actually took my bath, though.
I kind of think that’s telling, seeing as the whole idea was to open up my centre of drive, passion, confidence, and sex… and I was consistently putting it on the back-burner while I got other stuff done. :-\
Hm.
 
But I took my bath: all the petals plus dried bay leaves, sea salt & epsom salts (to draw out any residual gunk), and essential oils of rosemary, clary sage, ylang ylang, and sweet orange.
Soaked and floated in the hot water. Did Child’s Pose to open my hips, and breathed in the smell of all those oils and flower petals.
 
Got interrupted towards the end, a young woman (possibly from Korea, going by the alphabet her phone was using) who’d taken a wrong turn trying to find her airBnB. This is most likely Just A Fluke, but I’m choosing to read it as any of the following:
Sometimes people turn up in your life when you’re not expecting them and/or when it’s not entirely convenient. Just go with it.
Things are not always going to go according to your internal scrips. See above and just go with it.
See also: Have a sense of humour about it, for fuck’s sake.
 
I can still smell rosemary on my skin.
I hope this is one more thing that will help me open myself up without seeing every damn thing as a threat. Which… I guess I can use as a handy segue?
 
About that tarot reading!
It was a “who” and a “how” card to answer the question: “Who and how do I need to be in order to open myself up the way I want and need to?”
The page of water and the queen of earth, respectively, fell out of the deck almost as soon as I started shuffling.
So that’s apt.
WHO: The Page of Cups says “be in the moment”. It says “learn to trust” and “trust the learning”. The Page of Cups is very much me on a lot of levels, just figuring this heart stuff out (after nine years of working my ass off for it, still just figuring stuff out) but also being neck-deep in it all the time. It’s very much what my Life Coach is trying to help me do, with regards to approaching pleasure and relationships with curiosity rather than trepidation. It says be loyal, be devoted, be compassionate and supportive of yourself as well as others. Be emotionally vulnerable.
BUT
HOW: The Queen of Earth says “don’t fling yourself off a cliff to do it”. Offer that loyalty, devotion, compassion wisely. Make sure you have an oxygen mask of your own, rather than hoping someone else will pass you one in the event of an emergency. Explore, see where things go, walk into this stuff with joy and hope. For sure. But also make sure that you can stand solid on your own. Be aware of what you value, what you want and what you need, as you go out exploring. You can be emotionally vulnerable, you can let your heart be curious, because you can pull back and prioritize yourself when you need to. (Which is also part of the Life Coaching stuff, as it turns out).
 
The Queen of Earth, in the Mary-El deck, is weaping diamonds. It makes me think of this post I wrote just before C ended our relationship. In this context, I read it as “there is value is showing your emotions” and also “experiencing your bodiliness, letting your feelings come through your body, isn’t weak. Quite the opposite”. There are a million ways to interpret a given tarot card but this seems like a relevant way to read this one today.
 
So. That was how I went about Casting Out Doubt. It’s been helping. Every time I pass a rose bush (which are still quite fragrant in these parts, even as the flowers are fading), I catch the scent and breathe in love and gratitude. It’s a nice reminder and it helps me stop spinning my self-doubt wheels.
 
 
TTFN,
Meliad the Birch Maiden.
 
 
[1] That’s a thing to keep in mind. If you banish something, it can be a good idea to fill the void the banishment leaves with something you actually WANT (either by putting it there, or by ritually inviting it to take up residence), so that you don’t end up with either (a) the same damn shit again, OR (b) just any old thing that happened to be in the area filling in the available psychic/physical/emotional space. A bit like my tarot-pull being all “Here’s what to do INSTEAD of the disfunctional thing you’ve always done”.
 
[2] Motherwort calms the heart (it makes a good anti-anxiety tincture, similar to skullcap in that regard, but much muuuuuuch easier to get ahold of in urban areas as it grows quite happily in disturbed ground like construction sites), builds self-trust and confidence, bolsters libido, and attracts joy, success, & a sense of purpose. It encourages listening/discerning one’s heart’s desires and has associations with Venus, Freja, and Ogun (er… apparently). It can come and live in my garden any time.

Common Motherwort (Leonurus Cardiaca)

Full Moon – Flower Moon Crests (Summer Solstice 2016)

Well, there’s a thing you don’t often see. A full moon on Summer Solstice. 🙂
Where I am, there’s – gotta hope – a thunder storm brewing. I’m half-way between hoping it hits in the next few minutes and hoping it hits once my lovely wife gets home from work. (I’m sure she’d appreciate the latter).
After a solid week of really chilly (like lows of 8C) weather, the heat has come back with lots of humidity. My zucchini, eggplants, and tomatoes are flowering like Woah, but I’m discovering that my wee new garden bed is badly in need of fertilizer – whether we’re talking Miracle Grow or the more naturally-occuring kind. Either way, most of my starts have kept their roots clining to the little cubes of soil they arrived in, andI’m worried that everything is goign to uproot before long. :-\
 
I’ve sprinkled some fruit-inducing bone meal around the new bed, and I’m wondering where I put last year’s tomato and pea stakes so that I can at least prop things up a little bit. :-\ May resort to unfolding some wire coat-hangers in the mean time.
 
We (finally) hung some of the ancestor photos today. My lovely wife has promised to bring home a drill so that we can do the rest without completely destroying the plaster (not drywall, plaster – it’s an old house) walls in the process. It’ll be nice to have them up again, though one of my foremothers has gone walkabout and I’m not sure where her picture has got to. :-\
We moved a new-to-us book case into the front room, and have unloaded most of the remaining Storage Locker Boxes (mostly books) onto its shelves. There’s still a lot of tidying, sorting, and re-arranging to happen in the front room, but we’re working on it again, which is really great. It feels good to be making progress, y’know?
 
My altars need more candles made for them. I’m going to have a dig around to see if I’ve got any already made (from years ago, when I sold them at craft fairs), so we’ll see how far I get on that front.
 
There was Orlando. And the week that followed it has just been weird and heavy. I have this blog post halfway written to put up on Syrens, and I’m not even sure that I’m going to do it. I may just send people here and here instead. I went to one of the vigils in town, because one friend was singing at it, and another was reading at it (the second piece I just linked to). I wore my leather and my shawl – in 30C heat, no less – because why else did I make it. And that was that.
 
In significantly less wretched news: I started singing lessons today.
This is a big deal, since (a) I haven’t taken a lesson – besides a one-off when I had a solo for a choir concert, a solid decade+ ago – since 2001, and (b) I learned how to run energy through singing. So unblocking a lot of my Energy Blocks – my teacher’s also a yoga instructor, so when I used “the chakras that show up on all the posters” to talk about how my body lights up when I’m singing well, she already knew what I was talking about + wasn’t (visibly) offended that a white chick was talking to her about chakras – particularly in the red and orange areas (I stopped singing within a couple of months of becoming sexually active and, while the two events aren’t related, it means that I’ve never been An Active Singer and someone with an active sex life at the same time BUT, when things are going well for me sexually, I start hitting high notes. As such, I’m aware that they’re connected, and so am wondering (in a fairly positive way) how getting my singing groove back will help in other departments. On a related note, I’m wondering (in a similar fashion) how doing more active singing practice will effect my awareness in ritual situations (whether we’re talking about Pagan stuff or S/M stuff for that matter).
 
~*~
 
MOTION: Took myself out to a couple of dances on Saturday night, during Glow Fair. Danced to spooky-spooky music at Retro Underground – I’d personally have been happier with a Smiths/Cure/Cruxshadows/BellaMorte kind of mix, but whatever they were playing when the doors open was good enough for what I was looking for. Then I bopped over to Oh My Jam (a reoccuring all-kinds-of-queers dance party) and called in my own tiny ocean to dance and splash in while other folks arrived and slowly filled the place up. Usually when I’m dancing, I call in Fire. But I tried for Water this time, and… it was (unsurprisingly, fish that I am) easier to keep my own energy from flagging while dancing on my own for the better part of an hour. That’s something I need to remind myself of all the time. When I do those grounding visualizations, I’m a willow, not an oak. My roots are very much in the water. When I call energy up into myself, I basically have to drink it – like capillary action. When I draw it down, it’s rain, or a shower/sprinkler system, or else it’s plunging into the blue so deep it starts edging towards the black. Mermaids R Us. Energy work involves tentacles, often as not. Scorpio with Cancer Rising (and Moon, for that matter). Pices in the dome of heaven. Water, water everywhere.
 
ATTENTION: Listening to a lot of Chai Chats – which is basically a CR group ft a bunch of kinky, poly femmes (afaik). Paying attention to my wife, trying to do more Quality Time (rather than shared-down-time) things with her, have more dates, that sort of thing. Digging into my Feeeeelings a little bit more and trying to sort out why sadness is such a habit with me (and it is – it’s totally the path of least resistance, if I’m thinking of myself as water. But it doesn’t necessarily have to be) but also trying to tease out the threads of it, so I can tell which bits of a given Sad Feels are born of what I’m thinking/moping about at a given moment, versus which ones are just glomming onto the focus-of-the-moment but are actually rooted elsewhere. It’s like when you have that reoccuring Fight AboutThe Laundry, or whatever, with one of your partners, and it’s never actually about the laundry, it’s about Feeling Taken For Granted or Wondering If You’re Special, or similar. Like, I’m essentially having Fights (well, cry-fests) with myself that are (on the surface) about my ex, but I suspect are really about something much less-specific than that, such as “Am I Loveable?” or “Will I Be Forgotten If I’m Not Constantly Pushing Myself Into People’s Faces?” (Oh, hey, Fear Of Abandonment), and I’d like to be able to “fight” about the actual thing, rather than just wallpapering a grief-focus over top of the actual thing and telling myself I’m crying about that.
 
GRATITUDE: Thankful for being able to use the neighbour’s hose to water the garden. Thankful that my lovely wife is sorting through her Stuff and that we’re making progress on the house again (we’ve been here for almost two years, so it’s kind of a thing). Relieved as fuck that the “suspicious person” in the ski mask at U of T last Monday turned out to be nothing, rather than a copy-cat jumping on the hate wagon. Grateful that my voice hasn’t disappeared on me after all these years of neglect. Grateful for dancing. For a bike that makes my back feel better, not worse. Grateful for hot nights and gusting breezes, for moonlight on the water, and the way my wife shivers when I kiss the back of her neck.
 
INSPIRATION: This Tweet + the Queer Body Love series that’s happening online right now (you probably need to sign up to get (free) access to the content).
 
CREATION: I’ve been feeling really uncreative lately. I was talking to my wife about it last night, over sangria by the local tiny lake, and she pointed out that I’ve been turning that energy inward, diving deep and seeing what I can dredge up to the surface. That said, I have Homework from my singing teacher which, along with running through Casta Diva and doing breath practice while in Supported Fish (Matsyasana), among other things, includes doing noodly improvisations using the sylables of my own name. So maybe I can get creative there.
 
“The sun sees your body, the moon sees your soul” (to quote said inspirational tweet).
Happy Solstice, kittens.
 
 
TTFN,
Melaid the Birch Maiden.

New Year New You 2016: Reflections So Far + Week 10: What Motivates You?

I’m doing Miss Sugar’s New Year New You Experiment in Radical Magical Transformation (again) because I find it’s a really good way to kick my own ass into getting things done. You should try it!
 
Reflection Instructions: “[…]Reflect on the last nine weeks and talk about what you’ve learned” about yourself, your practice, your project, and where you want to be.
+
Week 10 Instructions: Do some navel gazing: What are your reasons for working on your goals? What makes you eager to work on them?
 
I’m combining these two prompts… for no real reason, except that I can? We’ll see if they wind up having common themes or not.
 
Tarot CardS:
Reflection: Ha, I’m half-inclined to suggest the Hanged Man because of it’s “pause” and (in particular) “mirror” or aspects, or even its “seeing things from a new angle” elements. We’ll see if I stick with that, though.
Motivation: Part of me wants to choose The Chariot (AKA: The Archer, Awareness) because it’s very much about “get up / wake up, and go!”, about finding and directing your energy. It’s a card about being motivated in general. But… In reality, a lot of my motivation – for this project, and also in life more broadly – is the 4 of cups + the 6 of cups. Dissatisfaction, self-isolation, the search for self-knowledge, sadness (all Four of Cups traits) combined with the Six of Cups’ yearning for something better, and re/connected to others (sometimes obtainable, sometimes… no so much, but either way)… that’s what tends to push me into action. A sense of “gotta fix this” combined (more frequently) with “I am sick of feeling this way”.
(Heh… actually, the “Turning In” aspect of the Four of Cups would work well for the Reflections part of this post, too…)
 
Anyway.
So, yeah. Via tarot cards, I’ve already talked about what motivates me, but let’s dig into that a little more with specific respect for this NYNY Project.
 
Strictly speaking, I started my Queen of Cups Project because I was sick of feeling miserable all the time and wanted to get better at welcoming good things/people/feelings into my life. All the Brené Brown stuff (that I would end up reading in February 2016) about Preemptive Tragedy and Camping Out in the Swamp of Disappointment? I didn’t have words for it yet, but I knew it was a major problem. So my motivation was definitely about wanting to lift/shake myself out of my perpetual Four of Cups funk.
 
The dirty little secret, though, is that I also started this project because I was afraid my partner would leave me (…and she did) if I didn’t shape up and stop freaking out all the time. Lots and lots of stuff about “Is this in my head? I don’t know what to think” facing off against “This love is dificult, but it’s real…” and not knowing how much of my anxiety and spun-ness was due to my own self-inflicted meta-naratives (meaning stuff I could fix by myself) versus how much of it… wasn’t. A lot of yearing for the loving, second-chance, taking-care-of-each-other energy of the Six of Cups. Not a great reason to start a self-improvement project (although probably not an uncommon one, either).
 
Negative reinforcement can go a long way towards pushing me to do something.
But my other major motivator is success.
 
Which brings me to the “reflection” part of this post.
 
I think it’s going well.
 
I’ve been doing these prompts in order, but I haven’t been pushing myself to do them week-by-week. As such, it’s been a solid six months – rather than 10 weeks – since I started this project. There was a break-up in there, with a bonus sharp reminder that “fixing myself” is only going to work if I’m doing it for my own sake, rather than because I’m doing the desperate worthiness/shame dance and trying to “become someone worth loving” (yeah, I know. I know). But there’s also been time.
 
Listening to all the Slow Down messages I was getting meant giving my magic the chance to actually game the odds with enough time to get a run-up at things. It meant giving myself time enough to learn Handy Truths from Leah Horlick’s and Leah Lakshmi Piepzna-Samarasinha’s poetry, from Brené Brown’s work, from Ms Sugar’s glamour guide blog posts, and from numerous queer, almost exclusively) femme, tarot readers (go give them some love), as well as time to let things fix a bit better in my marrow than they might have if I’d pushed myself to keep to the “Just Keep Pushing” time-frame established by the course. (Which doesn’t mean that the time-frame is bad, just that this is a deeper project than “change where my money comes from” or get this book finished”… or at least it is in my case).
 
Heading into “phase two” of NYNY (prompts 10 – 23), I’m going to keep the pace I’ve set for myself, keep working on glamour and self-glamouring, keep working on tarot, keep working on me and all of my Feeeeelings Stuff. (P.S.: The Help that arrived in Week Nine? I am having a preliminary consultation on Sunday. woohoo!)
 
And,with all that in mind, off we go. 🙂
 
 
TTFN,
Meliad the Birch Maiden.

New Year New You 2016: Week Nine – Asking For Help

I’m doing Miss Sugar’s New Year New You Experiment in Radical Magical Transformation (again) because I find it’s a really good way to kick my own ass into getting things done. You should try it!
 
Instructions: “Asking for help feels almost like admitting defeat. And by defeat, I mean admitting that you’re not invincible. Well. You’re not. Sorry.“… So ask for the help that you need.
 
Tarot Card: I…honestly have no idea. Part of me wants to choose a Six card. The six of fire (abundance, success) or the six of earth (for its elements of checking in and touching base)… but neither of those is quite right. Part of me wants to name the Nine of Cups (for its “wishes coming true” aspect) and part of me wants to suggest the Wheel of Fortune, if only because of how much this seems to have relied on good luck and random chance. Lemme explain…
 
Thoughts:
I’ve been sitting on this prompt for a while, because I looked at it and thought “Who the hell do I ask for help on this one??” and then, this morning, help asked for ME.
As if by magic. >.>

That’s what I mean by “good luck and random chance”.
 
Turns out, a friend of a friend is getting her Life Coach certification, and needs to practice on people (for free!). So I asked my friend to put me in touch with her friend, and have since sent off a note asking if said friend can help me with some specifics around my Receptivity.
At this point, I have no idea whether this is going to go anywhere. I mean, I hope it does, and I’ve given my possible Life Coach as much information as I can without just running on at the mouth, and we’re going to have A Conversation to see if my Stuff can be molded into something that her school of coaching can help with.
 
Fingers crossed. (I may or may not update this to tell you all how it goes, if it goes. Again: Fingers crossed!)

New Moon – Leaf Moon Begins

Today feels so hopeful. The sun is warm, the rhubarb is coming up great gang-buster, there are flowers blooming and the leaves are coming out. I ate an ice cream cone in my back garden this afternoon. I washed dishes (more still to do) and bought groceries and fixed a shelf. By the time this moon reaches fullness, there will be clouds of pink and white blossoms all over the city as the fruit trees start blooming their hearts out. Maybe the Beltane energy from a few days ago is finally stirring in my neighbourhood, or maybe something else is going on, but things are feeling like they might be looking up. 🙂
 
I’m trying not to be foolish about this stuff. Use my head. Try to understand the why of things and what’s really going on. Get myself out of the house and socialize more than I have been, now that more of my time is my own again.
 
A friend of mine and I have decided that we shall have an Arrangement for getting in touch when we need company and aren’t getting out enough. This is a good thing. 🙂 And will hopefully mean that I get to see more of her, too. 😉
 
Magic-wise, I’m trying to remember to put on my Crown Of Light[1] as often as I can, just to practice wearing it. I swear, Glamour is like walking in high heels. You have to figure out how to do it, plus get used to using a set of muscles in a whole different way, before you can do it gracefully and sustainably over a period of hours (let alone days).
 
Sustainable is something that I’ve been thinking about lately. What can I do that I can keep chugging away at over long periods of time? Where do I need to be more patient versus where do I need to push myself hard and sprint rather than ambling? Two weeks (or so) ago, I talked about feeling like I was in that “manic/risk-taking” phase of getting over a break-up. There are parts of that energy that I like. The get-up-and-go, the willingness to reach out to new people. How can I hang onto that stuff without over-doing it and either burning myself out, or just getting myself burned.
 
~*~
 
MOTION: Going dancing in a week at Morning Jam! Woohoo! A PWYC dance party that happens in day-light hours! 😀
 
ATTENTION: The garden is calling more and more loudly as the days warm up. I’m also trying to get my home into a halfway-tidy state (call it spring cleaning?). Beyond that, paying attention to the decisions that I make just below the surface, the ones where I know I’ve made a concious decision, but I can’t quite catch what area I’ve made that decision in.
 
GRATITUDE: Dandelion greens in the garden. A wife you loves me & flirts with me. An ex who calls to catch up. One deep blue hyacinth blooming in my front yard. Hope. Magnolia blossoms. The ability to make small repairs on my own. Enough money to buy groceries – even superfluous groceries like ice cream, lemonade, goat cheese, and mayo – and a little more work coming down the pipe-line to pay for it all.
 
INSPIRATION: Every damn thing on this green(ing) earth bursting into leaf and bloom. At last, at last! 😀
 
CREATION: Started my third shrug (meeting a friend to talk about knitting patterns early next week). Worked a bit on The Relationship Book yesterday. Plans for weaving to get going over the next few days.

New Year New You 2016: Week Five – Some Enchanted Evening

I’m doing Miss Sugar’s New Year New You Experiment in Radical Magical Transformation (again) because I find it’s a really good way to kick my own ass into getting things done. You should try it!
 
Instructions: Do some magical thing(s) to further your cause and give you an edge towards achieving your Goal(s).
 
Tarot Card: The Priestess (Inner Voice, The Seer) – looking inward, going deeper, mediating between the concious and unconcious, self-confidence, seaking internal calm.
 
Thoughts:
Okay.
So I’ve had a bit of a shock thrown into my (life) plans recently. My long-distance partner is… not my partner anymore. At least not for the moment. We’re “on a break” for reasons that I understand, even if I’m not happy about the situation or its effects on me.
Part of me is all “I totally get it, take the time you need.”
Part of me is all “Augh! Come baaaaaaaaaaaaack!”
And part of me is just all “Eugh. Whatever. You do you. I’ll survive.”
It’s not a fun place to be, and it does add a certain bleak nuance of “Why am I trying so hard to Fix The Problems that I’m trying to fix with this project if I’m no-longer in a situation where those Problems are actually causing Big Waves in important parts of my life??”
Which is a problem in and of itself, I know.
Why don’t I care about myself enough to just get to Happy for my own benefit, rather than it having to involve someone else’s comfort with me before I’m willing to Do The Work that will make my life better regardless?
It’s stupid and frustrating and it means that part of this Getting To project is getting a bit of a facelift.
 
Originally, I was going to do my Enchanted Evening spell by putting a glamour wammy on my bathroom and dressing-room mirrors so that, every time I looked at my own reflection, I was also seeing someone worthy of love and care, in the hopes that it would make it easier for me to pick up on the love and care (and other good stuff) being directed at me from all and sundry[1].
I’m still going to do that.
BUT.
… But the whole situation with the Queen Of Cups is that she doesn’t have to use logic to walk her heart through every damn thing. She’s emotionally healthy,and emotionally secure, enough that she is both trust-worthy and trustING in ways that don’t feel like jumping off a cliff (to use Leah Lakshmi’s very apt turn of phrase) and crossing my fingers that someone is going to catch me before I hit the rocks.
Which means I’ve got other Stuff I need to work on as well.
 
So what I did this morning was steap myself a cup of thyme tea and charge it with the prayer of “Open my heart, help me to trust the trustworthy, heal me”.
Tea because: Probably a safer bet than putting drops of pure thyme essential oil directly onto my tongue. But also tea because it has links to awareness, faithfulness, and enlightenment.
I chose Thyme because it corresponds to courage, hope, happiness, purification, healing, strength, the washing away of fear.
Other herbs I can use in similar ways:
Chamomile, lavender, and dill to calm the frightened child in me
Sweet Violet (I’m reading this as the edible flowers of wood violets that grow in my yard – and all over the place) for trust, peace, and strengthening the comfort of the heart
 
As for the glamour wammy on my mirror, I’m thinking it’ll be a cleansing spray that just happens to include a mix of rosemary, sweet orange, and ginger essential oils (plus witch hazel & water for a carrier).
 
Other possibilities for scrubbing away:
A Body Scrub to sluff away all the Negativity that’s been hovering around me ft brown sugar, sweet almond oil, baking soda, rosemary, clove, cedar, tea tree
AND
A Bath Powder to draw confidence, self-assurance, courage and calm ft ylang ylang, ginger, clove, myrrh(!), and sweet orange
 
I find it… veeeeeery interesting… that a LOT of the essential oils that one would use for drawing love, sex, & happy-solid romances into one’s life (and dispelling/preventing jealousy, no less) are also stuff that one would use to increase confidence, courage & self-assurance, while calming your ass down & dispelling fear and depression.
I mean, part of that is just: people use what they’ve got. If you’re a Strega with a rosemary bush the size of your house (or… me… with a cupboard full of pie spices and dried fruit), that stuff is going to find its way into every spell you do.
On the other hand… the two tend to benefit one-another, in my experience, so maybe it’s not that strange.
 
Lastly – though not remotely surprisingly -I’ve been doing a LOT of tarot readings for myself on the question of “How do I get to Happy?” (the Fool Spread is really handy for that kind of question) and the details of making those internal changes in ways that will actually stick and not turn me into more of a wreck in the process.
They’re turning up some… unsurprising but also pretty accurate information, which is a help in terms of things I need to remind myself of like: This is going to be a bit of a slog, so you will have to be patient with yourself. Be brave but not with without compassion for yourself. Push yourself, because it’s going to be hard and you will have to keep leaning into that discomfort, but don’t burn yourself out. Learn from your mistakes, but also forgive yourself and be gentle with yourself at the same time.
 
Wish me luck.
Up next: Fancying up my mirrors and taking a solid soak. Here’s hoping it works.
 
 
TTFN,
Meliad the Birch Maiden.
 
 
[1] So that I could recognize that kind words from a friend are actually meant and true, to pick a non-Faaaaaaaaaamily-related example, and so that (to pick another, even less-socially-fraught one) I could stop interpreting a lack of calls from temp agents as some sort of deliberate punishment for not being available That One Time, or for saying No to that thing I didn’t want to do. So that I can just sit with the quiet (as opposed to the Silence, as in Silent Treatment) of a non-ringing phone without believing in my bones that it’s a commentary on whether or not I’m worthy of someone having my back or looking out for me.