Tag Archives: glamour(y)

New Year New You 2016: Reflections So Far + Week 10: What Motivates You?

I’m doing Miss Sugar’s New Year New You Experiment in Radical Magical Transformation (again) because I find it’s a really good way to kick my own ass into getting things done. You should try it!
 
Reflection Instructions: “[…]Reflect on the last nine weeks and talk about what you’ve learned” about yourself, your practice, your project, and where you want to be.
+
Week 10 Instructions: Do some navel gazing: What are your reasons for working on your goals? What makes you eager to work on them?
 
I’m combining these two prompts… for no real reason, except that I can? We’ll see if they wind up having common themes or not.
 
Tarot CardS:
Reflection: Ha, I’m half-inclined to suggest the Hanged Man because of it’s “pause” and (in particular) “mirror” or aspects, or even its “seeing things from a new angle” elements. We’ll see if I stick with that, though.
Motivation: Part of me wants to choose The Chariot (AKA: The Archer, Awareness) because it’s very much about “get up / wake up, and go!”, about finding and directing your energy. It’s a card about being motivated in general. But… In reality, a lot of my motivation – for this project, and also in life more broadly – is the 4 of cups + the 6 of cups. Dissatisfaction, self-isolation, the search for self-knowledge, sadness (all Four of Cups traits) combined with the Six of Cups’ yearning for something better, and re/connected to others (sometimes obtainable, sometimes… no so much, but either way)… that’s what tends to push me into action. A sense of “gotta fix this” combined (more frequently) with “I am sick of feeling this way”.
(Heh… actually, the “Turning In” aspect of the Four of Cups would work well for the Reflections part of this post, too…)
 
Anyway.
So, yeah. Via tarot cards, I’ve already talked about what motivates me, but let’s dig into that a little more with specific respect for this NYNY Project.
 
Strictly speaking, I started my Queen of Cups Project because I was sick of feeling miserable all the time and wanted to get better at welcoming good things/people/feelings into my life. All the Brené Brown stuff (that I would end up reading in February 2016) about Preemptive Tragedy and Camping Out in the Swamp of Disappointment? I didn’t have words for it yet, but I knew it was a major problem. So my motivation was definitely about wanting to lift/shake myself out of my perpetual Four of Cups funk.
 
The dirty little secret, though, is that I also started this project because I was afraid my partner would leave me (…and she did) if I didn’t shape up and stop freaking out all the time. Lots and lots of stuff about “Is this in my head? I don’t know what to think” facing off against “This love is dificult, but it’s real…” and not knowing how much of my anxiety and spun-ness was due to my own self-inflicted meta-naratives (meaning stuff I could fix by myself) versus how much of it… wasn’t. A lot of yearing for the loving, second-chance, taking-care-of-each-other energy of the Six of Cups. Not a great reason to start a self-improvement project (although probably not an uncommon one, either).
 
Negative reinforcement can go a long way towards pushing me to do something.
But my other major motivator is success.
 
Which brings me to the “reflection” part of this post.
 
I think it’s going well.
 
I’ve been doing these prompts in order, but I haven’t been pushing myself to do them week-by-week. As such, it’s been a solid six months – rather than 10 weeks – since I started this project. There was a break-up in there, with a bonus sharp reminder that “fixing myself” is only going to work if I’m doing it for my own sake, rather than because I’m doing the desperate worthiness/shame dance and trying to “become someone worth loving” (yeah, I know. I know). But there’s also been time.
 
Listening to all the Slow Down messages I was getting meant giving my magic the chance to actually game the odds with enough time to get a run-up at things. It meant giving myself time enough to learn Handy Truths from Leah Horlick’s and Leah Lakshmi Piepzna-Samarasinha’s poetry, from Brené Brown’s work, from Ms Sugar’s glamour guide blog posts, and from numerous queer, almost exclusively) femme, tarot readers (go give them some love), as well as time to let things fix a bit better in my marrow than they might have if I’d pushed myself to keep to the “Just Keep Pushing” time-frame established by the course. (Which doesn’t mean that the time-frame is bad, just that this is a deeper project than “change where my money comes from” or get this book finished”… or at least it is in my case).
 
Heading into “phase two” of NYNY (prompts 10 – 23), I’m going to keep the pace I’ve set for myself, keep working on glamour and self-glamouring, keep working on tarot, keep working on me and all of my Feeeeelings Stuff. (P.S.: The Help that arrived in Week Nine? I am having a preliminary consultation on Sunday. woohoo!)
 
And,with all that in mind, off we go. 🙂
 
 
TTFN,
Meliad the Birch Maiden.

Full Moon – Leaf Moon Crests

So, in theory, this full moon is going to teach me something about Relationships. I’m not even sure where I got that, but it might have something to do with what Chani Nicholas has to say about this week. Or it might have to do with dinner + a possible drive to Montreal with my wife and my ex (aka: her partner) tomorrow night and just how that’s gonna go, given it’s the last time I’m going to see said ex for, well, a very long time. (They’re moving to Alberta in six weeks). I’m trying not to over-think it or get all worked up about it, or whatever.
 
ANYWAY.
 
I feel kind of like I had a penny-drop moment the other night, which was kind of a big deal and is something I’m hoping I can build on. The plan to see more people and do more social stuff (in a sustainable way) seems to be working out so far. I mean, it’s only been two weeks, but I’m still getting to socialize and also have down-time, so that’s a good thing. Dancing at Morning Jam last weekend was great (and I met a couple of people who remembered me and my poetry(!) from the Reading Out Loud show I took part in last year – awesome bonus!). I have Plans in the works for how to promote my chapbooks around town, and a birthday party to attend on Sunday.
 
I finally (FINALLY) made candles – beeswax ones, no less – for the altar (which – sorry, Gods – has been sorely neglected of late), and got a package in the mail, the contents of which will be put to use in various magical fashions. I’ve been poking at the tarot course I’m taking (slowly, but surely), thinking a lot about the 2 and 3 of cups, but also the Queen of Swords (of all things) – she has more to do with Death (both the Major Arcana card and its meanings, and the literal thing) than I was expecting. Who knew?
 
The seeds I planted (er – literal seeds in this case) in the Cold Weather Bed are starting to come up, and I’ve transplanted some self-seeded greens (mustard or rappini, not sure) into that bed as well. I’ve harvested sage and vietnamese garlic greens (and rhubarb) from the perenial/self-seeding bed and have a vase (well, jam-jar) of water on the kitchen counter, full of dandelion greens for dinner tomorrow. The plan is to spend a significant chunk of this weekend setting up the Squash Bed (which will have cherry-tomato plants and maaaaaaaaaybe eggplants and/or ground cherries in addition to cucumber, yellow zucchini/crookneck, Musquee de Provence or Sugar-Pie pumpkin, and Butternut squash) and maybe, if I can swing it, adding some showy-but-cheap annual flowers (and some Spiderwort and/or spearmint, if I can find them) to the front flower bed.
 
~*~
 
MOTION: Walking all over town. Still haven’t made it to a pool, but have started working one day per week (soon to be two days) at my wife’s shop, which involves a lot of being on my feet. Learning how to do that without screwing up my back/hip/knee… face?? (No, seriously, I’m having facial spasms again – that doctor’s appointment in early June can’t come soon enough) is… going to take a bit, but a good pair of insoles is probably a requirement. Hoping to get to another not-late-at-night dance in the next few weeks, but I have to find out when it’s happening first. (Turns out, I follow the organizer on twitter, so this shouldn’t be too hard).
 
ATTENTION: Looking for moments of sychronicity & good luck; watching the leaves opening, the (slow, due to lots of shade) flowers in my front yard start to bloom, and the cotlydons (?) poke through the soil in my vegetable beds. Trying to be an attentive wife. ❤
 
GRATITUDE: HOT WEATHER! I went out in flip-flops and only a sweater this morning, and felt great! Also, apparently wishes do come true. It may not be houndstooth, but I am now the delighted owner of a rich purple straight-skirt (not quite a pencil skirt, but close enough) that I got for free when my Mom cleaned out her closet (thanks, Mom). Also, tremendously grateful for realizing what That Feeling was, the other day, and being able to stay emotionally open in a situation where I might otherwise have shut down. Definitely a win, and one I hope to repeat. 😀
 
INSPIRATION: My wife, who is riding about 150km/week on her bicycle! Also: The Two of Cups, in its various incarnations.
 
CREATION: Right now, it’s all about the garden. Well, that, and writing Glosas. I’m slowly working through a bunch of self-sellected poetry excerpts by various femme poets and glossing all of them. It’s a bit of a break-up album, so far, but the plan is that it will eventually be chapbook #3, which will be awesome.

New Moon – Leaf Moon Begins

Today feels so hopeful. The sun is warm, the rhubarb is coming up great gang-buster, there are flowers blooming and the leaves are coming out. I ate an ice cream cone in my back garden this afternoon. I washed dishes (more still to do) and bought groceries and fixed a shelf. By the time this moon reaches fullness, there will be clouds of pink and white blossoms all over the city as the fruit trees start blooming their hearts out. Maybe the Beltane energy from a few days ago is finally stirring in my neighbourhood, or maybe something else is going on, but things are feeling like they might be looking up. 🙂
 
I’m trying not to be foolish about this stuff. Use my head. Try to understand the why of things and what’s really going on. Get myself out of the house and socialize more than I have been, now that more of my time is my own again.
 
A friend of mine and I have decided that we shall have an Arrangement for getting in touch when we need company and aren’t getting out enough. This is a good thing. 🙂 And will hopefully mean that I get to see more of her, too. 😉
 
Magic-wise, I’m trying to remember to put on my Crown Of Light[1] as often as I can, just to practice wearing it. I swear, Glamour is like walking in high heels. You have to figure out how to do it, plus get used to using a set of muscles in a whole different way, before you can do it gracefully and sustainably over a period of hours (let alone days).
 
Sustainable is something that I’ve been thinking about lately. What can I do that I can keep chugging away at over long periods of time? Where do I need to be more patient versus where do I need to push myself hard and sprint rather than ambling? Two weeks (or so) ago, I talked about feeling like I was in that “manic/risk-taking” phase of getting over a break-up. There are parts of that energy that I like. The get-up-and-go, the willingness to reach out to new people. How can I hang onto that stuff without over-doing it and either burning myself out, or just getting myself burned.
 
~*~
 
MOTION: Going dancing in a week at Morning Jam! Woohoo! A PWYC dance party that happens in day-light hours! 😀
 
ATTENTION: The garden is calling more and more loudly as the days warm up. I’m also trying to get my home into a halfway-tidy state (call it spring cleaning?). Beyond that, paying attention to the decisions that I make just below the surface, the ones where I know I’ve made a concious decision, but I can’t quite catch what area I’ve made that decision in.
 
GRATITUDE: Dandelion greens in the garden. A wife you loves me & flirts with me. An ex who calls to catch up. One deep blue hyacinth blooming in my front yard. Hope. Magnolia blossoms. The ability to make small repairs on my own. Enough money to buy groceries – even superfluous groceries like ice cream, lemonade, goat cheese, and mayo – and a little more work coming down the pipe-line to pay for it all.
 
INSPIRATION: Every damn thing on this green(ing) earth bursting into leaf and bloom. At last, at last! 😀
 
CREATION: Started my third shrug (meeting a friend to talk about knitting patterns early next week). Worked a bit on The Relationship Book yesterday. Plans for weaving to get going over the next few days.

New Year New You 2016: Week Seven – Glamour and You

I’m doing Miss Sugar’s New Year New You Experiment in Radical Magical Transformation (again) because I find it’s a really good way to kick my own ass into getting things done. You should try it!
 
Instructions: “Think about how you’re presenting yourself to the world and how that’s affecting your own personal goals. […] Give your physicals selves some love and magic this week!”
 
Tarot Card: Seven of Swords. Both the Wildwood and the Osho Zen decks are applicable in this case.
 
Thoughts:
I’ve never known the seven of swords to be a positive card. Even when the interpretation is a good idea (It’s time to take the mask off! It’s okay to stop maintaining and fall apart right now. I know you’re worried about What People Will Think, but you really are Enough in spite of those fears), the actual process of showing people one’s Real Face can be terrifying (and can sometimes backfire). Yet, sometimes, what it points to (e.g.: in a reversed position) is the need to break old habits, break silences, break out of self-imposed prisons of Shoulds and Musts.
I was yacking with a friend about this a few months ago, and it seems to fit here pretty well: A lot of us learn to keep ourselves small as a defence tactic. If you are a woman on the internet (even a white, cis woman such as myself), you learn pretty early how many readers it takes to start getting unwanted, threatening attention from trolls. If you’re a woman who ever leaves her home, the same goes for when you’re walking downt he street.
There’s a zillion people (of a very specific gender, most of the time) who would love to police us back into silence and invisibility, and a lot of us balance on a thread between “too visible” and “straight-up hiding”.
The thought of being Visible, of being Big, can be really frightening, whether we’re worried about being attacked by trolls, cat-callers, or The Fraud Police, and it can be exhausting to deal with.
 
Presenting yourself in a way that shows you in your best light, as your best self, can be exhausting.
 
I went to a book launch a couple of weekends ago. I went to the Gorgeous House in the Country (a luxury home built inside a reclaimed barn – for real. I want to live there when I grow up) book launch of a femme-lookin’ (I say, because I don’t actually know if she’d ID as femme) lesbian writer’s new novel. Her sculptor-painter partner was decked out in a Nice Suit at the merch table, and she was all dolled up in a shiny gold blouse signing everyone’s new books. My wife and her other partner (through-whom we know this couple) both talked about feeling out of place at the party. Even though, as creative dykes in the 40-75 age bracket, they were even more among their peers than I was.
But I swanned in there like I owned the place, because I’m a queer femme writer (in a raspberry faux-fur 3/4-sleeve coat, a leopard-print skirt, fancy stockings – that the woman who turned-out-to-be-a-publisher noticed and complimented me on, no less – huge, diva sunglasses and hot pink lipstick… I was flagging pretty hard, kids) so how could I not fit in?
… And it worked.
 
I mean, right up until I found out that the nice queer-poetry-chick I’d been politely down-playing my writing work to (my wife had been chatting her up, but I hadn’t wanted to hog the spot-light while talking to another writer who probably wanted to talk up her projects as well) was, um… the publisher of our friend’s novel.
Oh.
That was supposed to be an elevator pitch, was it?
Woops.
 
We’ll see what, if anything, comes of that interaction, but it was an introduction regardless.
 
A while back, I wrote a little bit about how Glamour is feeling hard right now. We’re in “transitional shoes season” in these parts, the point in the year where you really do still need close-toed shoes, but winter boots are definitely too warm (and clumpy) to deal with anymore. My “tranisitional” boots are all in a bad state of disrepair and, while I can and do make them work, they’re bad enough that it’s hard to make them look “street chic” (or whatever you want to call it when fancy fashion starts riffing on a ratty punk look) at this point. I’d love to get (or more likely make – this is one of the reasons I keep a shoe-maker on staff, after all) a few pairs of shoes like this so that I have Options that won’t wreck my back and can look “professional” (in the office work sense of the word) while also looking artsy-funky-weirdo (I.E.: actually like myself) at the same time.
 
But the reality is that this isn’t really about shoes. It’s about how I feel about myself.
When I regret the haircut I gave myself (even though I now look great with my hair down), but I can’t tell how much of that regret is because I feel like a total grease-ball when my hair is hanging in my face, vs how much is because I miss having the option of doing funky anime buns and being able to do this without too much trouble, vs how much is just missing that which is easy and familiar… What do I even do with that? But when I catch myself feeling “frumpy” in a skirt I picked out, gleefully, from the clothing swap heap because it would finally let me wear leopard print on something other than lingerie, that I stitched a new lining into and replaced the zipper on because I had wanted a skirt like this for so long… That’s a bad sign, folks.
 
If my personal goal, my Queen of Cups Project, is to be more receptive to all the Good Things that come my way, I need to believe that I’m worthy of receiving that stuff. Feeling ugly[1], unworthy of notice, or unable to keep it together (says the chick who discovered she’d spilled… hollondaise sauce?… on her skirt mid-way through her work-day and is expecting Company tonight while still having an entire kitchen full of dirty dishes to deal with)… does not inspire feelings of worthiness in me about myself.
 
So. How am I handling this week’s prompt?
Well, my office-contract recently ended. So I’m back in the land of “wear whatever you want” (hurrah!) and I’m aiming for a mix of “ultra casual” (like, skirts made out of former-pairs-of-pants, very colourful socks) and “Fabulous Bohemian” (diva sunglasses, faux fur 3/4 sleeve coat, Fierce hair-do – or lack of ‘do, since it basically means just leaving it down – and cute boots). I finally shaved my legs. A friend painted my toenails yesterday. I’m feeling pretty good, even if my heart is still yoyo-ing up and down and my feelings of self-worth are following suit on a rollercoaster of their own.
 
Things I can do (concrete/mundane things I can do) to show my physical self some love (this week, and all weeks) that will also (probably) help my mood and energy levels:
1) Get dolled up and go for a walk
2) Sit in the steam room of the local pool while wearing my bikini and soaking up the heat
3) Eat fancy pastries, ideally with friends (but this is not a requirement), while out and about
… So, basically, dress spiffy and get out of the house.
I can do that.
 
 
TTFN,
Meliad the Birch Maiden.
 
 
[1] Say what you want about The Beauty Myth, it’s insidious and fuck.

New Year New You 2016: Week Six – Maps (Wait, They Don’t Love You Like I Love You)

I’m doing Miss Sugar’s New Year New You Experiment in Radical Magical Transformation (again) because I find it’s a really good way to kick my own ass into getting things done. You should try it!
 
Instructions: “[G]o some place that is sacred to you and to use the experience to guide you in your work[…]”
 
Tarot Card: Ten of Cups + Knight of Earth (specifically the one from my Osho Zen deck, called “Slowing Down“, though the Wildwood’s Knight of Stones has some personal relevance as well).
 
Thoughts:
So, it’s been over two months since I did the previous prompt for the NYNY Experiment. Put that down to trying to regain some equilibrium after waiting to see how the cards would fall out.
Ha. On that note: Trying to do tarot readings when you have exactly one thing on your mind? Is simultaneously devastatingly accurate (whether you like it or not), AND massively annoying because you can’t get information on anything else.
Eugh.
 
But I’m back!
 
So. Most of my sacred places are inside my home. They’re my kitchen, my altar, my garden, my couch and my tiny dining table (especially when I’ve got people over who I can feed). But I’ve been feeling weirdly (or maybe not-so-weridly, what with Winter’s Last Hurrah having hit but a few days ago[1]) stuck when inside my home of late, so I was hesitant to try and trance out while chopping beets in the kitchen (for example – though it works quite well with apples, as long as you don’t lop off a finger in the process). All that being said, I did keep my eyes and ears open to see what would pop up and… I got something. I wrote about it a little bit in my most recent lunar post, but the majority of this message came, not from my home-base, but from my extended leather family at Queering Power.
 
The message was: SLOW DOWN!
 
Not “slow down” in the frantic, you-are-about-to-drive-off-a-cliff sense of the word, but “Slow Down” in the sense of:
When you are Triggered (yes, I’m talking about PTSD), everything starts to rush.
When you’re drowning in shame, you run around like a chicken with your head cut off, trying to “justify your existence”, when you need no justification, you just need to BE.
When you are in that spiral of “I am Too Much” (too demanding, too slow, too needy, too big, too complicated… you name it), you tell yourself that you must rush through things for the benefit of someone else – don’t tell the whole story, don’t savour that meal, don’t sink into exactly as long as it takes you to get turned on, get into it, get off – instead of being really present, really authentic, really enjoying life’s pleasures.
When you are freaking out and trying to numb yourself, you rush through experiences without really experiencing them – eat a chocolate without even tasting it, skim a poem and feel frustrated by the (unfindable, in this state) meaning you didn’t give yourself time to catch.
When you are frantic, you make decisions that hurt people you care for, and also that hurt yourself (whether you are able to care for yourself in those moments or not).
 
So that’s the big one.
The thing is, it’s not the only one.
Possibly because all the Brene Brown I’ve been reading has been bringing home what Glamour is really about (not what I would have expected), and possibly because Glamour has been feeling kind of hard for me lately, I’ve caught myself thinking a lot about Miss Sugar’s Glamour Pop Quiz questions, particularly the one about What You Really, Really Want, and… what I really want, when I think about it – what this whole Queen of Cups project is supposed to allow me to access – is this. Nothing more, and nothing less, than the Happiness & Home embodied by the Ten of Cups.
 
When it first came to me, I sneared.
 
Really, Meliad? Happiness?? Is that all?
 
Shouldn’t I have been more ambitious? Isn’t wanting a steady, caring home, and a big, queer, chosen family to love and be loved by… isn’t that Not Much At All?
And then I thought: Am I greedy, to want so much? Is it too much to ask that my heart overflow with love and joy instead of sadness and yearning?
 
And then I had a dream.
I dreamed a house that was a weird combination of the house I once owned, a house I didn’t rent when I was in my 20s, the trailer-park home of a friend’s mom near Quebec City where I was made so welcome, the imagined architectural layout of The Cloud Club[2], my ex-partner’s apartment, and the second-floor walk-up of the Toronto friends who played host to me at the end of March and who have a huge, old, fruitful pear tree growing next to their balcony.
I dreamed this house, with the backyard I have now, and the neighbours I have now, except that the hella-gardening Vietnamese lady now looked suspiciously like Shine Louise Houston[3].
I dreamed this house with potted plants outside the balcony door, and garden ready to grow its next season of fruits and veggies. I dreamed my wife and I joking together while getting the balcony in shape. I dreamed C holed up in a messy nest of a room, healing and feeling safe and still part of my heart’s family. I dreamed a friend of my neighbour (she looked like Snow White, if Snow White had the kind of hips and ass normally associated with Fertility Goddesses and the kind of asymetrical bob currently associated with queers of a whole slew of genders) flirting with me, calling me “Hey femme,” and telling me she liked my legs.
I dreamed love and hope. I dreamed relationships that last. I dreamed joy in ordinary moments. I dreamed fruitfulness and abundance and having Enough, feeling Enough. Not Hungry. And not Overwhelming.
I woke up and knew that this was plenty “good enough” to be a Great Work. I woke up and knew it was not Too Much to ask.
 
~*~
 
So thats what my sacred spaces have had to tell me.
Onwards and upwards, campers!
 
 
TTFN,
Meliad the Birch Maiden.
 
 
[1] Today, on the other hand, the sun is out, the snow is pretty-much GONE, the crocuses are blooming, and the leaves are starting to stretch and open up. My rhubarb survived the winter! (At least one did – we’ll see about the other two, which got planted waaaaaaaaay later and may not have got themselves established before the cold hit for real). So things are looking up. 🙂
 
[2] Where Amanda Palmer lives, fyi.
 
[3] Yes, the Shine who runs Pink and White Productions.

New Moon – Sap Moon Begins (And Some Thoughts on My Third Jupiter Return)

Under different circumstances, I would have called this Leaf Moon. I may yet call it that, given that this time next week, it’s supposed to be almost 20C (!!) and sunny, and that should bring the leaves out like nothing else will. But we’ve also got snow on the ground right now, and more on the way. The winter that wouldn’t start is holding on with its fingernails for a little longer yet, in spite of the tulips and crocuses poking out of the ground, and it’s (apparently) resulting in a pretty great year for maple syrup, so… plan your larders accordingly. 😉
 
I have to admit, I’m not feeling very magically energized right now. Glamour is hard. The weekend I spent in Toronto during the last full moon? I felt pretty – shiny, crowned, you name it – for almost the entire weekend (miss Sugar has a post, right now, about how glamour can open the door to what you can become, if you allow yourself the chance to consider it, and it’s giving me some food for thought in light of that weekend). Part of that was because I was there to work, and embodying Feminine Wiles, being the Vamp, the Untouchable Muse, is a major part of the job description… no surprise that it carried over into the rest of my stay. Hell, I was getting Attention from strangers who didn’t ping my “Ew, Gross” buttons while out hunting for take-out after a friend cancelled on me. 😉 I had to be doing something right.
…But now I’m back in my home-base, and all I want to do is sleep. Maybe it’s the resurgence of snow and ice that’s got me down, but it’s been hard to feel un-frumpy, to feel like I’m doing Glamour well, rather than getting it all backwards and presenting my Worst Self to the world, even when I’m decked out in my Femme Power Colour and have washed both my hair and my sheets in recent history. I want to travel again, and I’m suspicious of my motivation – is it just because I want strangers to think I’m pretty? Is it because I want to get away from my messy house and unwashed dishes?
My question from last full moon is still sitting in my head, unanswered:

What can I plant this growing season that can be a long-term investment? That I can think of as “bearing fruit” five years from now rather than expecting things to produce-produce-produce in six short months?

A lot of the possible answers boil down to “better personal security” in both the emotional and the material sense of the word. Do magic (and leg-work) to find a permenant part-time office job I can walk to. Pour energy into my Queen of Cups project and (re)learn how to be fully connected to my whole body without having to do and hour and a half of vocal warm-ups in order to get there. Research (in the sense of books, but also int he sense of “field work”) for the kind of how-to memoire-manuals that you want to be writing after you’ve been doing polyamourous O/p for over a decade. Pour energy into (re-)building & strengthening your (changed) relationship with your ex so that you can keep being family, but don’t force the healing process any more than you’d force the healing of a broken bone.
 
Maybe it’s the (theoretically impending) Promise of Spring, or maybe it’s because a couple of friends of mine are getting kicked in the teeth by their Saturn Returns right now, but I’m thinking about my own Returns and which cycles are coming round again.
 
Having done some quick google-searching, it turns out I’m going through a Jupiter Return this year (every 12 years – unlike the Saturn Returns, they happen relatively frequently).
Apparently, this means that I’m supposed to pay attention to Abundance (well, that’s a big part of my Queen of Cups project, so…), pleasure, and expansion, and to learn how to give and receive without guilt or expectations which, honestly, is making me totally twitchy right now for, uh… Reasons. Moving on… And, in theory, I’m going to get an eye-full of both where I’m at my most generous (because I don’t live in Scarcity Brain in that area), and where I need to take a leap of faith in order to improve my life in areas where I’m maybe not so trusting. Well… See above re: Twitchy.  
Apparently I picked the right year to do this Project?
 
Bully for me.
 
Onwards!
 
~*~
 
MOTION: Currently trying not to slip on the (still-icy/slushy) sidewalks, and it’s…not great. I’m hoping that the warmer weather will give me incentive to get out and about Just Because, since this business of Hunkering Down at Home is starting to wear thin. BUT: Dance party coming up with the full moon, and I’m looking forward to it.
 
ATTENTION: Based on the opening and closing pieces from this year’s Queering Power, I’ve started Paying Attention to where I need to slow things down in order to experience them fully. One of the ways that I numb myself (in the “numbing vulnerability” sense of the word) is by rushing through things rather than experiencing them.
 
GRATITUDE: Thankful for friends who keep an eye on me, for a heart that can mend, for a wife who wants to listen to me read to her so we can share books together, for people with rooms in my heart who know they can call me if they need back-up, and whom I know I can call for the same. Also thankful for the possibility of Actual Warm Weather, with trees leafing out and tulips pushing towards blooming, in the near future, ZOMG!
 
INSPIRATION: Ha. Heartbreak. I’m starting to get some half-way decent poetry out of this break-up. Silver linings are a thing. Some of the time. 😉
 
CREATION: See above, re: poetry. Looking forward to digging another garden bed, too, but that’s still a few weeks off. I’ll keep you posted. 😉

Experiments in Glamour… Ish?

I’ve got hand-washed laundry drying in the bright, humid, oven of the back yard right now. I’ve been knitting extensions for my new fishnet stockings all afternoon. There’s flies in the kitchen (and the living room, and, and, and… because we totally left the door open while my lovely wife was fixing boots on the back steps. I would love it if this house could support an exterior outlet, but oh well…), and the new moon is coming on fast, along with the zucchini, cherry tomatoes, eggplant, and snap beans. 😀
 
I had a conversation with my sweetheart the other day. She was visiting (too-briefly, but it was still so good to see her) for a day, and we went out for pho. I told her about getting free pizza[1], and being unsure as to whether it had to do with the pizza guys wanting to get rid of that last slice, or if it had to do with the lipstick[2].
I mean, I had casually thought “Hey, cheap pizza would be good. Free pizza would be great…” on my up the block, but… really? Is it actually that easy? ‘Cause that seems unlikely.
 
She said, with a remarkable degree of certainty: “It’s the lipstick.”
 
Now, my lovely partner may be able to rock a dress when she wants to (and I totally go weak-kneed when she does, which isn’t often, alas, but what can you do?), but she’s not a femme-ID’d individual by any stretch. She is, however, somewhat succeptable to our charms, so I’m willing to take her word on this one. 😉
 
The thing is, this Lipstick Magic only seems to work when I’m not trying to make it work. Strutting into that store to find a microphone? Yeah, I was wearing great shoes and great lipstick, and was I rocking an iconic Lisa/Violet ensemble, but I wasn’t doing any of that ground-centre-focus business. I wasn’t doing that when I picked up a diva cup and the baby-dyke at the cash made a mistake that I didn’t pick up on until after the fact. And I wasn’t doing that when I walked into the pizza place, halfway between printing off data entry forms and rushing out the go to a tarot-book launch.
I just had my gear on.
 
So I don’t know what’s up with that. Does my perma-grounded Glamour work by front-loading everything, and then just moving like I do?
I have no idea.
But something seems to be working.
 
 
TTFN,
Meliad, the Birch Maiden.
 
 
[1] Among other things that have also happened while wearing the same magenta lipstick: I managed to (accidentally) get 20% off a Diva Cup, and ~30% off a computer mic (also… due to human error? Ish? I challenged the price on something and the dude at the cash gave me what I wanted).
 
[2] As I’ve mentioned a couple of times, in these parts, I’ve been trying to bump up my Femme Fabulocity of late, and trying to see if I can use a little Glamour Magic while I’m at it.