Tag Archives: Week 3

New Year New You 2018: Week 3 – Something You’ve Been Putting Off (Imbolg)

I’m (once again) doing Miss Sugar’s New Year New You Experiment in Radical Magical Transformation because I find it’s a really good way to kick my own ass into getting things done. It’s a good mix of practical, magical, and thought-based exercises to help accomplish specific and significant change in your own life. If it’s relevant to your interests, give it a try!
 
Instructions:Let’s face it, Charmers, the critical component to success or failure in your goals is your ability to do shit you don’t want to do. […] Close your eyes and grit your teeth and just do it.
 
Tarot Card: I was strongly tempted to go with The World for this one, because of it’s association with Being Involved (I literally looked up “what is the opposite of The Hermit” for this), but it has more to do with the end-result of achieved goals than the work that goes into getting there. Given what my goals actually are, I think a better bet would be the Three of Cups or the Four of Wands.
 

On the left is the 3 of Water from my Osho Zen deck. On the right is the 4 of Bows from my Wildwood deck. Both cards are named “Celebration” and both images involves women dancing joyfully with each other alongside a powerful representation of the element in question (A thunderstorm for Water, a bonfire for Bows).


 
Now, full disclosure, the three of cups is typically my Polyamoury card.
In the case of the Wildwood deck, where the three of vessels – a bunch of gawky birds with large, heavy chalices, that doesn’t even seem to relate much to the rest of its own suit – just leaves me cold? I was both delighted and super relieved to discover that the four of bows not only shares its name, but also its general imagery, with the familiar Three of Water from my Osho Zen deck.
Which is all well and good, BUT my Goals for this project are only partially/tangentially about finding additional people to date. So I’ve chose these two cards more for their social (Three of Cups) and interactive (Four of Wands) aspects, even though their respective “building good relationships in the styles you actually want” aspects are also relevant.
 
I’ve talked before about not being massively comfortable with “putting myself out there” and, while I am getting way better at things like cold-calling (well, cold-emailing) potential modeling clients and have been stepping back into the arena in terms of letting other people (friends, strangers at open mics, magazine editors) read/hear my poetry – and, in fact, just got the good news that one of the poems I submitted during January is going to be published. Go me! (I hope this becomes a trend! :-D) – the thought of being “on the make” in any concrete way is just… not comfortable. For a slew of reasons. Everything from “I am embarrassed at the though of looking ‘desperate'” to “I can’t control every aspect of this and am at risk of making a huge, heart-crushing mistake, as has happened in the past”.
 
Ugh.
 
Speaking of The Past: I’ve been dreaming, recently, of various inappropriate crushes and exes-I-should-be-over-by-now. Not sex dreams, thank fuck, but dreams. See Also weird feelings about Those People that are equal parts simmering but intense emotions and just… massive indifference. Like, it would be really nice if I could figure out how (hahaha) to let go of the low-level-but-pretty-constant feelings of longing, without ending up in a weird, chilly desert of “I guess I’d call So-And-So an acquaintance? We were never really that close”. Y’know?
 
Which is a round-about-way of saying that, by that particular token, and for various “Reasons” beyond it, AND in-so-far as you can “let something go” on command… I’ve been putting off Getting Over various people because, on some level, it feels very all-or-nothing to me, and I would rather not opt for “nothing” when I do want to be friends with these folks.
I don’t know what to do about it. I wrote the other day about how change takes time and magic has to build up in layers, and that trying to draw a map of where I want to go, when I don’t have much in the way of landmarks to even visualize, is difficult. And it is. Sometimes I’m pretty sure I hang onto what didn’t work because at least I can recognize the good bits in among the bad fits and lousy experiences, whereas looking forward is like trying to steer through fog. I can’t see where anything is going.
 
None the less, my list of actions for how to achieve my Empress Goals includes “teaching myself to stop chasing” the people who don’t step up and ask me for my company, and giving myself opportunities to meet new people who might do that asking.
It’s Imbolg. A good time for fresh starts, trying new things, and general quickening. Not a bad time to be doing this. To that end: In addition to things like “finally shaving my legs” and “anointing my sternum with Let The Right One(s) In ritual oil” (physical and magical glamour stuff, basically), I’m picking out Events that I can (make myself) go to in the near future that involve people I’ll probably like talking to (Mender Night at the Ottawa Tool Library was one such place) but that I haven’t been to before.
 
Wish me luck.
 
 
Cheers,
Meliad the Birch Maiden.

New Year New You 2016: Week Three – Something You’ve Been Putting Off

I’m doing Miss Sugar’s New Year New You Experiment in Radical Magical Transformation (again) because I find it’s a really good way to kick my own ass into getting things done. You should try it!
 
Instructions: Do the thing that you’ve been avoiding. Do it now!
 
Tarot Card: 8 of Major Arcana (Courage in my Osho Zen deck, The Stag in my WildWood. I’m going with the former at the moment, mind you).
 
Thoughts:
So… Basically my entire goal boils down to something I’ve been avoiding. Like, if I try to make “be more receptive” into something that I can also be proactive about, it mostly translates as: (a) be more vulnerable, and (b) be more trusting.
Which…
It feels like mostly what I’m asking myself to do, when it comes to “be more vulnerable, be more trusting”, is to step out onto the ice, stand in front of the net, and let ask people (in general, or in specific) to take pot-shots at me with no body armor (kind of like in that Canadian Heritage Moment, remember?) while telling myself to trust that those people (in general, or in specific) aren’t going to hit me with the puck even though they all appear to be aiming at my teeth.
It’s the WildWood image of the Queen of Cups as Salmon, flinging herself up the waterfalls, knowing that she’s more likely to die than to get the thing that she can’t. stop. wanting.
Cold-calling potential modeling clients in Toronto is nothing compared to cold-calling my girlfriend and asking her to want my company.
That – regardless of how unfounded it may be – feels like Russian Roulette.

But I did it.
 
…And, naturally, my internal landscape was all screaming-crying-perfect-storm for 48 hours, until she said “yes” and I booked my tickets, and there was totally a (‘nother thing I tend to put off, because I want to make sure I have All The Answers before I start bringing things up… more on that in a second) Whole Conversation about the length of the visit, and our various expectations, and Stuff.
 
So… The other Thing I Put Off is handing out information. Which, I realize, is not the brightest way to go about things. For reasons that Freud would surely say had something to do with My Mother, I tend to prefer to just present people with “This is what can happen. Everything’s prepared, all I need is your signature and it’s a go” rather than “I want to do X, but have no idea whether I’ll succeed or not, because I’m not incharge of all the components, but am still playing merry hell with your schedule and/or expectations in order to possibly give it a try”.
It’s silly (or not? But probably silly), and it leads to more problems than it solves, these days, if only because – in situations like this one, where I’m spending a few days visiting my GF, out of town, while also trying to secure another stream of modeling income – saying “Hey, can I visit you in your microscopic apartment for a week, even if I don’t have any work booked” is actually a lot different from saying “Hey, can I visit you in your microscopic apartment for a week, even if I don’t have any work booked YET, but intend to shop myself around before I get into town”… and people can only work with the information they have.
 
Sadly, a significant portion of the “information” that I have is made up of lies that my Jerk Brain tells me.
Typical.
 
The suite of Cups, I’m learning, is one of compassion and forgiveness.
As in: Don’t be so mean to yourself, Meliad.
As in: Maybe stop putting cruel words into other people’s mouths and pay attention to what they’re really saying.
As in: If you want to become a Queen of Cups, you have to walk the Knight of Cups‘ path, first.
 
Every message, text, email: Breathe in, breathe out. Read it again. Read just the words this time. Breathe in, breathe out.
Every silence: Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe through the panic of no-one is every going to hire me of unwantable, unvalueable of nobody really loves me. Breathe through the litany of every worst thing.
Stop the whirlwind before it’s too much. Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in.
 
 
Meliad.

Things I Hate Doing (New Year, New You)

So. Today’s New Year, New You post from Deb is about our ability to do stuff we don’t want to do.

To quote:
I can promise you that your goals are crammed chock full of glistening gems that you would rather claw your own eyes out than address. If you liked addressing these things, your goals wouldn’t be goals, they would be called Items I Am Already Doing No Problem-o.

Yeah. That.

I like writing (usually). I like blogging. I like making jewelry and experimenting in my kitchen and doing tarot readings. I like modeling. I like making stuff.

What I don’t like is marketing.

1) I don’t enjoy shelling out table-fees and spending my saturdays smiling at people and trying to remember how to do retail sales while praying that I break even.

2a) I’m out and out afraid of Dealing With Money. I’m not entirely sure how to figure out my overhead when I’ve been buying materials for years (including before I started trying to sell my crafts) and my materials don’t divide into products in any kind of a formulaic way.

2b) I am also scared to death that, once I figure out how my overhead costs (and labour costs and actual product costs) get divided between pieces, I’m going to discover that I’ve priced myself too high and no-one will buy my stuff. I have a similar problem when it comes to pricing my services, actually. Hrm…

3) I also don’t like cold-calling people. I’m fine with answering casting-calls, and I’m getting much better at sending out those once-per-semester “Hey, hire ME!” emails to my various modeling-gig people, but out-right cold-calling someone – walking into a cafe and saying “Hey, can I do tarot readings here?” (for example) is just scary-as-all-fuck.

So, yeah. Those are my Things I Hate Doing.

Inconveniently, they’re also the things that will make my entrepreneurship a viable career option, so:

Possible Solutions:

1) Etsy store. Yes there are still Listing Fees and, yes, I need to “show up and take part” by updating my listings a couple of times a week and, yes, this involves getting Really Good with my point-and-shoot camera (and learning how to use the tripod, and fishing my CD out of the storage locker, and, and, and – none-of-which are things I like doing) and, yes, there are still things I won’t enjoy (yet) about doing this, but at least my “table fee” covers three months rather than eight hours, and I don’t need to spend entire days hard-selling at people.

2a) Ask Ghost – who has run her own business for ages – about calculating overhead. (Wow. Look at that. I can totally hear my brain coming up with Excuses about why this doesn’t work. Specifically “But carpentry is different! You don’t buy an entire skid of lumber because you need 8-10 two-by-fours!”)

2b) Ghost says that this won’t happen because there are tonnes of people who will always equate “more expensive” with “better” (or at least “more prestigious”). My friend, K8, says that in the world of being a gun-for-hire (she’s a freelance writer and editor, among other things), you basically throw a figure at the proverbial wall and see what sticks. Okay…
So this one’s pretty much a “suck it up and do it” thing. But maybe I can do some magical stuff in relation to it – like doing spells for drawing confidence (in)to myself, or something.

3) E-mail queries. I know, I know. Ghost would tell me that it’s much harder for someone to say No when they’re looking you in the eyes. Email can just be ignored. None the less, I find it doesn’t get ignored that often and it saves me the gut-twisting terror of having to convince someone of my worthiness as a fill-in-the-blank on the fly and in person. YAY! O.O
Confidence-drawing magic may help here, as well, but so will getting together a list of local cafe addresses and sending them query-letters about setting up to do tarot-readings once a month or something. Maybe[1].

Here’s hoping that my Getting On With It works well.

TTFN,
Meliad the Birch Maiden.

[1] Okay, yes. I’m extremely wary of setting up a set-date to wait around on the off chance that someone wants to purchase divination services from me. I may do what Miss Sugar does and offer online divination-by-appointment or similar, and see if that gets me anywhere.